Moving Out - 11/6/05

The troop was assembled, and everyone ready to move out from Fort Benlin, when Captain Waller, Dundee's subordinate, started trying to talk him out of the whole thing.

"Frank, I can't give up now - we're leaving in two minutes!"

"Groggy, you're going to get everyone killed! This is a suicide mission, launched for YOUR personal aggrandizement-"

At this, Groggy snapped his fingers, and Mr. Stubb appeared behind Waller. He politely tapped on his shoulder, then smashed his gargantuan fist into Waller's face. Waller falls to the ground, blood spurting from his nose and mouth. Stubb continued beating on Waller as Dundee rode over to Potts.

"Mr. Potts," he said to his tracker, "I want you to ride about a half-mile ahead of the column at all times. Take your scouts."

"Yes, sir."

As Potts rode ahead, Saunders stopped Michelle and chatted with her amiably. "How are you doing today?"

"Not bad, except I'm about to go into the field," came her smiling reply.

Ben rode up to Saunders, silent. Potts had ordered him to keep his mouth shut at the pain of death.

"Well, good luck to you, Michelle. I'd hate for such a pretty face as yours to be ruined by a bullet."

Michelle saluted, a big smile on her face, and rode up with Potts. Then came Ben, an amused looked on his face - he seemed to find the Major's discussion with his female scout - amusing. Dundee then signalled to Stubb, who still was beating on Waller, who was very nearly - if not quite actually - dead. Stubb walked up to Ben, then tackled his horse. As Ben fell to the ground, Stubb sprang up and started kicking him in the head.

"Stop him, Major," Potts cried out. "I'll need him."

Stubb stopped, and walked back to his horse. Ben slowly stood up and mounted his horse.

"See you in about six hours, J.," Dundee called after him.

"Yeah," came the retort.

As the scouts rode off, Dundee turned to his command. He surveyed them, and saw an endless row of bizarre faces - some smiling, some grim, some just plain idiotic. Dundee rode out in front of his command. He ordered Sergeants Cullen and Harriman, and Grenouille, to ride with him. He ordered this followed by Joe Starbuck, then the rest of the "Loyalist" contingent, followed by Tim and the Internet-ers, then Garfter, with the misc. at the rear, and Plasmotic Snake (?) bringing up the very rear of the column.

He then went over to Tim. "Are your men ready to move out, Captain?"

Tim smirked at him. "Yes, sir. But only until the Apache is taken or destroyed."

Dundee then turned to Waller, saying to him, "Give my regards to General Franks." Waller, being unconscious and all, did not answer.

At this, Keith Richards rode into the fort, and curtly saluted Dundee.

"Mr. Richards!" Dundee shouted. "What in the hell are you doing? I told you we were leaving at eight o'clock sharp!"

"Iinteresting day today," Richards began. "I was riding through Duso El Nipple and I spotted some smelly looking bandits, I was looking for a fix and thought, what the hell I'll see what these guys are made of. SO, I walk over to these guys and say hello and they shoot me 9 times repeatedly in the face, not a good sign imo. They start walking off thinking I'm dead but of course I cannot be killed, all the bullets went in through my nostrils and out of my ears, so I get one of my special ciggerettes and shove it up one of these banditos arses real good, take his pistol out of his holster and by the time he's returned to earth after taking off like a rocket, his amigos are dead. After this incident I will never visit Duso El Nipple again, shithole."

"Get into line," Dundee replied to him.

Richards, unsheathing his acoustic guitar, rode into line behind Reverend Armstrong. He stared at Armstrong, smirking.

"Onward Christian soldiers! Kick some red man's ass!"

"Rock music is looked down upon by the Lord," Armstrong replied, "as a tool of Satan."

Richards looked at him for a long moment, then said, "Fuck you."

Dundee rode to the front of his men. "I have but three orders of march," he said. When I signal for you to come, you come. When I signal for you to charge, you charge. And when I signal for you to run, you follow me and run like hell."

Sergeant Kimmel raised her hand. "Where's my Apache helicopter?"

Another person farther back complained, "Where's our HUMVEEs?"

"Tim's cousin," Dundee shouted, "Up front!" He complied.

Dundee looked back at his "men", watching them get ready. Mr. Smit removed his legs and loaded them; Sondra and Bill - *gag!* - kissed each other romantically; Aimee rode up beside Joe Starbuck and the two began a conversation; Richards began tuning his guitar; Garfter and his men unfurling their Maple Leaf flag; Dave Jenkins moved to stab Alex Starbuck in the back with a long, long knife.

"All right, Lieutenant," Dundee said to Tim, "move 'em out."

"Two's right!" Tim shouted.

"Two's right!" The call went throughout the command, and as the command went into line, they began moving out of the fort.

Dundee turned to his young bugler. "Play us a tune, son!"

"YES, SIR!" Enthusiastically, Ryan began playing a jaunty marital march on his bugle.

At this, Tim and a few of his men began singing:

"Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton,
Long time gone, but not forgotten,
Look away! Look away! Look away! Dixieland!"

At this, Sergeant Cullen and a few others began:
"Oh, mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!"

At this, Keith Richards strummed his guitar, and began singing his own song, being joined by a few classic rock fans among the expeditioners:
"Hot stuff
Hot stuff
Hot stuff
Hot stuff
Can't get enough
Hot stuff
Hot stuff
Hot stuff
Hot stuff
Can't get enough
That music is mighty fine"

At this, Reverend Armstrong began:
"Shall we gather at the river?
Where bright angel feet have trod?
With his crystal tide forever?
That flows from the throne of God?"

Then, Grenouille, being a tasteless purveyor of popular music, started his song:
"A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl"

At this, Dundee could've sworn he heard a sixth song striking up from somewhere further back the ranks:
"Stacy's mom has got it going on!"

And then, from somewhere in the din:
"O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love
in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts
we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada,
we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land
glorious and free!
O Canada,
we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada,
we stand on guard for thee."

"SING LOUDER!" Dundee shouted to his Union men, hoping to drown out the hapless cacophony behind him.

As the command, hopelessly divided in its taste in music, moved out into the countryside, with six and maybe more songs now blaring from their mismatched vocal chords - for Dundee could swear he now heard strains of "We Will Rock You" and "Yellow Submarine" somewhere in the vocal mess - the noise they generated scared all men and beasts for almost fifty miles around.