Epilogue: Where are they Now

So now that our expedition is over, the reader may be wondering (if they are not scratching out their eyes with boredom) what the hell happened to Dundee and his surviving men after they reached Fort Benlin? To provide a small degree of closure to the story, we will refer to the vague available texts

Major Groggy Dundee was court-martialed upon his arrival at Fort Benlin and cashiered from the army. Undaunted, he promoted himself to "Colonel Dundee" and began leading further pointless expeditions "for fun" into Nicaragua, Jamaica, Panama, Morocco, Pakistan, and Canada. His infamous "Snowplow Adventure" of January 2008 (with his brother Grenouille) into Nicaragua was nearly successful, but after two minutes the Nicaraguans ceased to be amazed with his snow plow and his attempted filibuster fizzled out. He was accompanied in these expeditions by an ever-dwindling number of veterans from the Mexico Campaign.

After this expedition, Groggy Dundee remained in sporadic touch with the surviving members of his Mexico expedition, who pretended to like him while really just waiting for him to go away. Groggy Dundee continued to drink and eat more and more junk food and became an even more loserly individual. He sought a chance for redemption when he found out that the proposed remake of "The Wild Bunch" was an animated movie about flowers and decided to do a "Walk Thing" with some of his associates against Hollywood. He was last seen putting a shotgun slug through Philip LaZebnik's stomach while screaming "Bitch!"

Despite being brutally tortured, Grenouille somehow managed to escape the French POW camp because Colonel Boulle was a moron and left no one to guard him. Grenouille managed to smuggle himself into the country in a carton of green onions, which may or may not have led to an outbreak of Hepatitis B in Applebees all over the country.

Grenouille joined his brother on some of his expeditions, but grew tired of it after the Snowplow Adventure and retired to New York City. He found true love and became an architect. He built a skyscraper in Times Square, the Bitty Plaza, which fell over on top of him at the unveiling ceremony.

Michelle returned to Chatham College and returned to civilian pursuits. She refused to join the Major (or Colonel) on any of his further exploits and unlike some of her colleagues quickly amalgamated into civilian life. Unfortunately she was struck in the head with a soccer ball and never recovered from her injury entirely, but she continued a career as a singer and an environmental activist. Michelle's heroic efforts to curb global warming... weren't very successful. But her effort to sing Beatles songs at weddings was unfailingly successful, and her special brand of happiness inspired many people.

Sergeant Cullen was one of Dundee's loyalist followers and followed him on all of his future expeditions. But his drinking ultimately caught up with him, and he was killed in the only skirmish of the Snowplow Adventure when he got into a knife fight with a heavily armed Nicaraguan policeman. After killing an entire squad of police with a spork, he was hit by a car and died in hospital later. His death was a major reason for Groggy's pulling out of Nicaragua.

Sergeant Kimmel used necromancy to try and revive her friend Sergeant Harriman. It is unclear exactly what happened next. According to some reports, Kimmel tripped over a toad and died on the way to the site. Others say that she was simply taken to the Underworld during her ceremony, and still others say that she was successful; at least two witness place the two in a London pub drinking, after which Harriman was seen stepping into a police callbox with a very tall, energetic, suited Brit in tennis shoes... either way, both of them had disappeared off the face of the Earth by 2009.

Marco Leone survived the expedition and recruited his brother Tony to join Groggy on his Canadian expedition. The failure of that expedition left Tony dead, and Marco abandoned his mercenary career to return to his band, Freak Circus. Marco and his buddies continued a long and successful career as a musician, but Marco volunteered the services of his band for one final expedition - the attack on Hollywood. Leone is believed to have died, even though his band is due to release an album based on their exploits in Mexico, Canada, and Hollywood tomorrow morning at 8 AM.

Sartana did join Dundee's Canada expedition, but he soon got tired of the military life and inspite of incentives/death threats he returned to the US and began a magic act. Unfortunately, one day on stage he was accidentally blown up by one of his pigeons. It was ruled an accident by police, but some believe it was foul play... perhaps the brother of Dave Jenkins desiring revenge.

Dortmund Hoffenmuller grew apart from Groggy after his poor testimony at Groggy's military trial. Hoffenmuller's inability to speak English hindered matters, and he always spoke in a language different than that of the translator. Hoffenmuller wrote a Norwegian-language scribe against Dundee, HovedDundee Suger Baller og Hans Føtter Lukter, which was published into Arabic. Hoffenmuller's later days are unclear, although it's believed he played hockey for Montreal and Toronto for several years.

Lieutenant Joe Starbuck served with Groggy Dundee in his Canadian expedition but his ineptitude and sense of wanting to do something else with his life led to him leaving Dundee. The two fell out, reconciling only later after Dundee gave up filibustering. Starbuck became one of Wall Street's young millionaires, and owned his own software company, Starbuck Multimedia. He married eighty-three times and had six hundred children, until his company was run into the ground by snivelling greedy Enron-esque minions. It's said Joe put a pistol in his mouth when that happened... but in reality he just flew off the handle and swore into a telephone until he passed out from an aneurysm. He didn't even die. Stupid butler.

Marie Wynter's completely impossible naivette was not at all shattered by the Dundee expedition. She continued to be a smiley, good-natured, friendly, impossibly prudish and polite Christian. She never forgot the friends she lost, but her lack of interest in military affairs made her be little affected by the campaign. Marie returned to Alabama and never thought about the incident again. She got sick of talking to Dundee after awhile and lived a happy, full life in her own special way. It is rumored that she had a wondrous, frilly wedding, in the frou-frou land of bunnies, where fairies blow kisses to the stars, and polka-dotted toadstools sing Goodship Lollipop to the little mice in the feety pajamas. :) She may have died eventually, but why dwell on the negative?

James Finnegan Stubb served in Canada, Jamaica, and Nicaragua. He broke his foot when it was run over by the Snow plow in the Snowplow Adventure. Stubb served in Dundee's Hollywood expedition, and was recorded by security footage smashing in the skulls of the AOL Time Warner board of directors with his fist. Stubb is believed to have survived the carnage and is now the bouncer of a roadhouse somewhere in Kansas.

Mark the Bugler used his diary for cynical monetary gain. As soon as he arrived by at Fort Benlin he published his journal and gained a fortune. The book became a best-seller even though much of it was edited by the publishers, especially the lengthy parts depicting the organization of the expedition, Dundee's exile and most of the time between July 2006 and September 2007. Mark tagged along with Dundee for more material, but his sequel, The Adventures of an Egomaniac in Canada, didn't fare too well. His comlex character study of Dundee did not go over well with the public, and Mark's attempts to republish the novels failed. A truly embittered and corrupted man, he died of unspecified reasons in an unspecified time - a nameless number on a list which was afterwards mislaid. That was quite common in those days...

As to that missing footage? It was screened once, to the surviving Dundee expeditionaries, and then handed over to a Columbia executive, but someone (either the new French government, or Mitch Miller) organized a Black Ops group to go around and assassinate everyone who knew of it. The film has not been seen since.

And that is that. No need to dwell on anything. Thanks for the ride, it's been fun.



The Absolute Final End!