The Grandest Bloodiest Thingus in the History of Forever and Your Mom! Part II

Mark/Matt/whoever raised his bugle to his lips and blew charge proudly. The hodge-podge command charged heroically, brandishing their sidearms, into a final rendezvous with death and 200 Frenchmen.

Herpes Girl was the first casualty; her sluttish body was dismounted by a pistol shot. After this, the fighting was instantly hand-to-hand, some of it on foot, some on horse. It was a bloody, chaotic mess, with sabers, swords, pistols, and rifle butts being used with deadly effectiveness.

Michelle found herself being tackled off her horse by three Frenchmen. They fell into the seething cauldron of blood and water below. The four wrestled with each other, using hands and teeth. Michelle was able to draw her knife and stabbed one of the soldiers in the gut, but the other two overpowered her, hoping to hold her under the water and drown her. Fortunately, Dundee and Tyreen were both gallant enough to come to her aid, and each impaled a Froggy. Michelle pulled herself out of the water and dismounted another French soldier with her bare hands, wrestling with him in the river. Dundee disengaged and impaled a French Sergeant.

One of the next casualties was I.P. Molson, the Canadian beer entrepeneur-turned-lookout, who was impaled on a lance. Retaliating was Border Trash, impaling the French on his blood-soaked Razorback lance. Anthony's empty shotgun proved a valuable weapon in such close-range weaponry, but he wasn't immune to a bullet striking him in the back. The wounded Anthony fell, dragging his horse down, but quickly got up and returned the favor.

Kermit was sadly next to go, his throat being impaled on a lance. The oafish Stubb saw this, and bellowed out a vicious scream. He drew his hammer and began smashing in the heads of his friend's assailants. Sartana was in too close of range to use any more magic tricks, and had to rely on his guns.

Boulle impaled another of the Canadians through his chest with his saber, then shot Carol off her horse. Alex Starbuck was shot twice, and struggled to maintain a balance on his horse. Carrying the Stars and Stripes, he impaled his assailants on it and held them up on the air. He was finally dismounted by a lance through the leg. Joe, galvanized by his brother's death, wiped out a whole squad of French troops with his pistol and recovered the flag.

Marie was completely lost in this vicious combat; she had collided with a French lancer head on at the start of it. She fell, dropping her weapon, and splashed into the river; it was a miracle she wasn't trampled by her horses. She struggled to dodge the French troops and panicky horses. She did dismount a French officer, almost by accident, and rode on his horse. By shear luck alone she dodged the swinging sabers and wild bullets of the French troops.

Jed drew his long machete and along with Sergeant Cullen hacked away at the French troops at close-range. The two inseperable drinking buddies were an even deadlier combination in combat.

The gallant Lorelei Jones fell into the river, shot in the chest. Tim avenged her by impaling her assassin on his sword.

Mikey D. and Marmota, two of the newest recruits, were both felled at close-range.

Sergeant Cullen, engaged in a six-on-one fight, could only watch in horror as his friend Jed was impaled on a French lance.

Frisco shot down innumerable foes with his Winchester, but he too finally met his end at the end of a lance point.

And then there was Sergeant Harriman, who, despite her leg wound, fought gallantly. She was wounded four times before she was finally lanced through the stomach. She shouted out fuck, and before she collapsed into the river, she blurted out a random, strange testament:

GALLIFREY!!!!!

By now both sides had been decimated. The fighting was absolutely desperate, and nothing had been gained. The fighting seemed to be going on and on.

Colonel Boulle shot down the hapless Goofy Newfie and then saw - no, it couldn't be.

YES!

He saw that blasted Canadian Captain, Garfer, wildly firing his pistol and swinging his hockey. He was here! What luck!

Not only that, but he also saw something hanging out of his saddlebags. It looked vaguely familiar -

Acting on blind impulse, Boulle chose his target. Garfer saw, too late, his opponent out of the corner of his eye. He aimed his pistol, but tasted blood as the fatal shot clashed into his chest. His flag and hockey stick fell into the water after him.

Boulle rode over and reached into the saddle bag. It was -

YES!

The missing film!

He didn't know how it could be, but Boulle was ecstatic. Now I'll be given an actual command! he thought, his ego taking control of him even in the midst of battle.

***

Captain Tim Tyreen O'Brien's sword ran with the blood of hundreds by now. There was scarcely a French soldier who did not taste his heated blade at some point in the battle. But all that blood, and all that hacking, was causing his trusty saber to wear away and get rusty.

Then he saw, out of the corner of his eye, another man. It was the Colonel! The French commander. Tyreen saw the splash of Garfer's body into the water. He hurried his horse over, and ran the Captain through with his sword, and grabbed something out of his hands. He looked down, and his face lit up as if with a kokouloris.

Across the battlefield, another Froggy corporal met his end at the tip of Groggy Dundee's saber.

"DUNDEE!" Tyreen shouted, holding up the lost footage.

Dundee rushed over. He was oblivious to another of his colleagues, the fearsome Apache hunter El Fuego, falling behind him.

Dundee saw the footage, and his face lit up to. Finally! he thought. This expedition has some purpose other than self-aggrandizement. He felt amazed - and a little dirty - as his hands touched this precious cargo.

Then a gunshot rang out. Dundee looked down and saw as his colleagues hunched over in the saddle, fatally wounded.

Dundee saddled the footage, but he watched as Anthony, McSwiggin, and several others riddled the hapless Colonel Boulle with bullets.

Shot at least sixty times, the Colonel fell into the water. His last thought was: Fuck!

***

Now the last stage of the battle was upon us. There were only a handful of troops left on either side, and now the rest of the regiment, led by Colonel Chasse, was deploying. Machine guns and artillery pieces were already being trained on the melee, but it was not yet over.

Dundee and Tyreen watched in horror and amazement as the awe-inspiring French force amassed on the river bank. The last desperate moments of the battle were of no concern to them; because it wouldn't matter with 4,000 French troops blasting away at the pitifully few survivors Dundee had left, would it?

Tyreen suddenly got an idea. A crazy idea. He had rescued the footage, he had proven himself valorous; there was only one way to go out.

Grabbing a machine gun from a ruined Jeep, he charged full-speed across the river. He opened fire on the French troops, as Dundee and some of his troops watched in awe and envy.

Tyreen single-handedly wiped out and entire platoon of French machine gunners, then charged Colonel Chasse and decapitated him with a single swipe of his sword. This action forced him to drop his weapon, and he was finally done in. He was lanced, stabbed, and gave out a hoarse scream of pain. As he fell, he pulled out an explosive, closed his eyes and pulled the trigger. The resulting explosion annihilated dozens, if not hundreds, of French soldiers, and all of their cannon, tanks and ammunition. There was nothing left of the gallant Captain.

The last moments of battle played out, the few surviving French troops in the river perished. Border Trash, wounded eight times, his Razorback flag in tatters, finally fell off his horse, having the satisfaction of living long enough to see victory. Sartana deployed his pigeons, which provided a smokescreen, allowing them to pull away. As the command's survivors reached the American side of the river, Sartana's pigeons collapsed from exhaustion and died. All of Sartana's magical animals were gone.

A rocket from a far-off plane crashed into the river behind them. Dundee reformed his surviving men, and stared at his exhausted, bloodied troops, who were awaiting orders.

"All present and accounted for, sir," Cullen reported.

Sergeant Kimmel's helicopter flew overhead, and it unsurprisingly crashed into a tree. But the Sergeant was alive, and perkily hopped int horseback. "Where's Anna?" she asked. Dundee was too oblivious to answer.

As the command prepared to move forward, a French soldier stirred to life. Grasping at his machine gun, began taking a beed on Marie, who was panting, exhausted. She lost her best friend and had somehow managed to escape with her life. She then saw a machine gun aimed at her, momentarily too late.

Anthony McSwiggin saw it, and threw himself in front of Marie, taking the full blast in the chest. Michelle blasted the machine gunner, dead, in retaliation.

Marie, Michelle, and others were on the verge of tears after the death of the gallant McSwiggin, but Dundee was too exhausted to care. It had been a long battle, and he quite frankly, he wasn't all that upset.

Dundee rode in front of his troops and took stock of the survivors:
- Himself (duh)
- Sergeant Cullen
- Sergeant Kimmel
- Lieutenant Joe Starbuck
- Marie Wynter
- Michelle
- J.F. Stubb
- Dortmund Hoffenmuller
- Sartana
- Marco Leone
- Trooper Mark/Matt O'Brien

Grenouille's fate is ambigious, and might be dealt with later.

That's the lot. Sorry if you didn't make the list.

Dundee prepared to give the order to move out, but Michelle stopped him. She pointed breathless at something in the bush.

It was - It couldn't be it.

Yes. It was -



Yes, another of those damned Apache trailmarkers.

Dundee couldn't believe it. If there were any Apache still alive, that meant - it would mean...

"I see, Michelle," Dundee said wearily. "Lieutenant Starbuck, column of twos."

"Column of twos, form."

The command snapped into line. Dundee gestured to the bugle boy. "Play us a tune, son!" he shouted.

"Forward!" Joe sadi.

"Ho!"

Blowing a martial march, the command's battered remnants rode onward towards Fort Benlin, and likely towards court-martial, arrest, and ignominy. But why ruin such a great story with such an unhappy ending?

THE END