Back to Garfer!

Finally, after about eighteen months of searching, the French soldiers were growing near their ultimate goal. The real reason behind this Mexican invasion was simpler than mere imperialism...

* * *

In late 2004, rumors surfaced that missing footage of Sam Peckinpah's Major Dundee had been found by Indians, buried in an unmarked hole somewhere outside Durango. The footage disappeared - it was a 167-minute version, including all of the infamous missing footage lost during the film's editing process. The Indians screened the footage and determined that it was one of the best movies ever made.

Then it got "lost", because Sony hired an adventurer named Indiana Jones to recover the lost footage. After engaging in lengthy shootouts and fistfights with Indians and Nazis, as well as battles with annoying kids and his personal fear of snakes, the 100 year old Indy recovered most of the footage and was in the process of returning it when he was bitten by a garter snake in the Columbia backlot and died. Missing were two reels of footage, and thus Columbia's restoration project went forward incomplete...

Realizing the artistic value of such things, and always ready to screw the Americans up the ass, the French government hired a mercenary of their own, Toulon Jacques, to recover the footage. When Jacques was found stabbed to death in a Mexican bar, that gave the French government the excuse they needed to send over 300,000 French troops to find the missing footage.

And yet, the missing 30+ minutes of footage remained scattered somewhere on the Mexican deserts, waiting for some complete loser... er, I mean, dedicated cineaste to locate them...

***

Sergeant Garfer and his men marvelled at the bridge they had built. It had taken sixteen-plus months of toil, tears and sweat, and the loss of the life of Old Sam, that Indian hoser; but finally, they had managed to complete the bridge across the Rio Nazas. The Canadians were able to marvel, at long last, at their great achievement:









Then they were forced to go to work and build a bridge over the Rio Grande.


It was while digging the foundation for this bridge that one of Garfer's hapless Canadians, Goofy Newfie, located the footage. The ludicrous Newfie had no idea what the footage was worth, but Garfer did. He smuggled it away from the burial site in his pants and took it back to his tent.


Garfer had been planning an escape for some time now, but that lazy idiot Grenouille (God, how he was sick of that American prick!) decided that he was "too tired" to take any actions. He groaned like an old Jewish woman and sat in his tent reading old Manga books. It was really quite tiresome.


Now Garfer realized that his life was in immediate danger, and in a conference with his Canadian buddies it was decided that now was the time to make good an escape...


***


The French sentries crossed each other while on patrol. It was a warm, clear night. The quiet sound of the flowing river could be heard, with a faint cicada chirp and the distant howl of a coyote.


The sentry was conveniently looking towards the bridge when suddenly he felt something sharp digging into his back. It was a hockey stick from I.B. Molson, who had somehow smuggled his sports equipment of choice into the camp.

Within minutes, all of the French sentries had been neutralized. Garfer waved his hockey stick, and his Canucks scattered into the countryside, quietly.

* * *

The next morning, Colonel Boulle woke up, seeing that virtually all of his soldiers were dead, and the Canadians were gone.

Fuck! he thought. How the hell am I going to get my bridge completed now?


He didn't even notice that the film, the whole reason for the invasion, was gone. His few remaining soldiers searched the tents for any signs of the escaped Canadians, and they only saw Grenouille, stilll asleep.

Boulle's men prodded the little artilleryman awake with their bayonets. He slowly stirred.

"Huh? What's going on?" he gurgled, still 99%-asleep.

The soldiers looked at each other evilly and began to approach him...