The Trial of Dave Jenkins

After a lengthy trek, through a wormhole and into another dimension, Sergeant Cullen and Ben finally found Dave Jenkins. He had been sitting at his computer screen typing up a scathing review of "3:10 to Yuma" when the Sergeant used Ben's head as a battering ram, breaking down his door, and beat up Dave with him. Ben was slightly hurt.

Now Dave was on trial. Captain Tim Tyreen knew that this would divide his command; Groggy Dundee just wanted to move the story along, and didn't care.

"Come on, guys!" Dave pleaded to his felow internet friends. "You all would have done the same thing! I mean, what kind of dork listens to the 'Footloose' soundtrack, huh? I mean. . . okay, I like Ennio Morricone. . . but. . . come on! He's a dweeb!"

Dave's pleadings fell on deaf ears.

"I was just going back to that village to sell these crappy CDs and. . . and. . . buy you some new ones! Yeah! That's it!"

Groggy turned to Frisco. "Frisco, would you say it was common knowledge that that village had been burnt, people scattered?"

Frisco just glowered at him.

Mr. Smit stumbled forward on his Winchester legs and shouted. "Yes, I know that, Major!" He seemed nervous and jittery, his eyes darting back and forth like a rat on caffeine.

Ignoring the freak, Tim knew what was going to happen, and turned to the Major. "Look, Major, forget about the book."

"The men of this command risked their lives so I could get an MP3 player!" Groggy insisted.

"It may have slipped your mind, but the MP3 player is out of style," Tim said. "The iPod is what you want, you backwards hick."

"I was just about ready to upload these songs onto my laptop, when someone stole my CDs AND wiped a magnet over my computer!" Dundee said, ignoring him.

Dave looked stunned at Groggy, uncomprehendingly. "What? So you can listen to 'Let's Hear it For the Boy' while we attack Charriba's camp? Yeah, that's appropriate." It was a lame attempt at a riposte, but it was the best he could come up. His usual cranky and sarcastic manner was replaced by callow snivelling.

Groggy shook this off and turned his attention to Dave, glaring at the pathetic figure nastily.

"Trooper. . ." he said in a matter-of-fact way, "You're gonna be shot."

At this, the online people stepped forward. Groggy's real-life contingent grabbed their weapons, and Sergeant Cullen held up his rifle.

"JENKINS!" Tim screamed, restraining his men. He would not let the situation descend into bloodshed - yet.

"Major, hand him over to us - I'll deal with him," Tim said. Then he added: "I'm not going to let YOU kill him!"

"You used to be a board member - do you know what you're saying?" Groggy asked incredulously.

"I know what I'm saying," Tim replied insistently. "I'm saying if you kill that boy, that's the end of the story, and NOT the beginning!"

"You're wearing out, Tim," Dundee said nastily. "You were a rock once, now you're crumbling like old chalk. Lieutenant Starbuck," he said to Joe, "select a firing squad by lot - exclude the online."

At this, the Internet folks stepped forward, but Cullen and the rest of the Loyalists leveled their weapons. It was a standoff, and the situation was about to explode.

"I HAVE SAID WE WILL SERVE UNDER THIS COMMAND, AND WE WILL SERVE!!!!!!!" Tim screamed to his men. "But only until we have caught the Apache."

Tim turned and glowered hatefully at Dundee. "And then, Major," he said, his voice full of venom, "I'm going to kill you!"

Groggy smiled incredulously. "Are you, Tim?"

Tim nodded. "Yes! Yes, Groggy. And I'll send a virus to your hard-drive too."

As Tim pulled back, he happened to look over at Mr. Smit. Smit seemed curiously nervous, and then suddenly, a thought hit him.

The last person he had seen with Groggy before the CDs went missing was - Smit! YES!

And the day that the Internet connection went down due to the network being flooded with spam - YES, YES, the only person who GOT connection was -

It was the obvious answer! SMIT was involved in all of this! But it was too late.

Nonetheless, Dave continued grovelling over his fate. "Hell, Major, you're just doing what you gots to do-"

Tim couldn't stand it, and he would NOT let Groggy kill Jenkins. There was only one thing to do. He started to reach for his gun. . .

"But damn your soul for it! And God bless

The deafening sound of a gunshot filled the air. Everyone looked over at Dave -

Who looked over at -

Smit, who fell, shot between the eyes. His Winchester legs went off as they hit the ground.

Tim stood, his gun-hand trembling. He slowly lowered and holstered his weapon.

Groggy stood, staring incredulously, then looked over at Smit. He was too stunned to react.

"Look in his pants, and you'll find what you're looking for, Major," Tim said.

Groggy didn't know WHAT to think of that, so he just stared as Tim walked off. After a moment's hesitation, he walked off too. The two antagonistic camps were puzzled as to what happened.

Finally, Jenkins got off his cowardly ass and skittered over to Smit. He looked in his back pocket and found. . .

A large magnet. And a to-do list:


Smit's Day:
1. Breakfast
2. Troll the Leone Board
3. Steal Groggy's CDs
4. Erase Groggy's hard-drive
5. Kill Groggy
6. Troll Some More
7. Lunch

The first four were checked off with a black pen. He never made it to lunch.